the logic out of negative self talk

for garden variety self-hatred, self-flagellation, and unfair criticism

Negative self talk is bad for us because it reinforces one’s negative opinions about the self. The repetition cements it into your mind, making it harder to break over time. Of course, you think that’s what you deserve.

I hope you change your mind.

No one can be absolutely good or bad or evil, and it isn’t necessary to see one’s self as a “good” or “kind” person. More important is the attempt to hold values and behave in ways that uphold them, to acknowledge kindness both in others and the self. To hold a static opinion of the self, positive or negative, is fine only if one is comfortable being stagnant. That, too, must be a choice.

The biggest risk negative self talk can pose is that this person will start embodying the negative values that a person once unnecessarily accused themselves of. I am a bad person, so it makes sense that I do bad things, or so the reinforcement goes. What seems more likely is removing the self from life outside. I’m a bad person, so nobody must want to be around me. Might as well reduce harm and stay alone.

But things can be more balanced with some mental adjusting.

I can do good things. What do I want to do with myself? What choices led me to do this, and how can I recreate similar circumstances? I can do bad things. What can I do to fix what I have done wrong? How can I avoid the logic that led me here? I am making a hard choice where I do not fully understand the consequences, and there are both positive and negative effects on others. Utilitarian choices cannot be judged with rigid morality. Imperfection is to be expected.

Self care seems more like a form of self maintenance. Care is a bit of a stretch, something you do for others, not the self. If one doesn’t believe they “deserve” care, then at least they must do what they can to keep themselves healthy in the mind. This maintenance is also a task that must be done to benefit others. Doing things for the sake of other people is not a bad stopgap for “self improvement.” A person can expand their definition of “maintenance” even if they don’t learn to “love” yourself or use that kind of framework. Eventually “maintenance” may come to resemble “self care” such as having fun with their friends, treating themselves to a nice pastry, or putting on a sheet mask. The touchy-feely “inner child” “self love” talk isn’t for everyone. Some people still look at their childhood photos and cringe. Self love is a bit ambitious in a way that “maintenance,” such as brushing your teeth, is not.

Some engage in negative self talk as a form of overcorrection. Perhaps they have unrealistically high standards and fear being arrogant, being overestimated, or being accused of false advertising. They default to assuming the worst about themselves instead of assessing themselves on a scale. I think they are scared of letting people down and it’s easier to “lower” others’ expectations by having a horrid opinion of yourself. They’d rather hear people say “you’re not as selfish as you led me to believe” as opposed to “HOW DARE YOU!!! YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE!!!” I mean obviously, but I just mean they already have thought to themselves “HOW DARE YOU!!! YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE!!!” so many times that they hope they get used to it and it stops hurting. They want to be able to defend themselves with their self-awareness and steps they take to improve it. One day they want to be seen as someone who is fighting their natural nature, and is therefore more noble for their choice to try to be good. But really, they weren’t that much worse than the average person to begin with.

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” is that RuPaul quote that sounds nice but might be one of the worst things you can tell someone who hates themselves. A self-loathing person may find it an accurate reflection of reality and use that as an excuse to withdraw from their loved ones. If I don’t love myself, that means the love I give others is an inferior type of love, which makes me unworthy of love. I should cut myself off from everyone I love because it’s not fair to them to receive this horrible burdensome parasitic “love” that I offer.

Such a quote is an insult to the many struggling parents, siblings, friends, and partners who still manage to show up and make the people in their lives feel loved and cared for in ways that are no less legitimate than the love they receive from people who don’t hate themselves.

Not as pithy, but more encouraging to a certain kind of person is the idea that everyone you love wants you to understand what makes you loveable.